He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
