please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
