Sry I called you an 8
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
