Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
