I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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