If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
