i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
