he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
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Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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