Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
