Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm both gender and math confused
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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