I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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