I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
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He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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