Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
