Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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