cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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