she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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