Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
