that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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