I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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