1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
