Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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