Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
