Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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