My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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