Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
