The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you inspire me to be a worse person
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
