I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
