I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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