i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
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You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
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I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My penis needs a shock collar
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.