Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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