Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome