you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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