Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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