I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
