just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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