just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
