Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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