she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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