I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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