I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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