He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
