Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
