Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
