Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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