he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
