I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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