Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
