my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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