Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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