After last night, I could never be a politician.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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