I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize