While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
