That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I checked into jail on foursquare
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
