Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
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some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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