I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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