I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
