i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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