i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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